Morgan Carson’s Story: “I’m Bisexual”
I’m coming out of the closet….and … Here it is.. I’m bisexual.
And it’s not s cool as the movies or porn makes it out to be. I start this off with a joke but this has been a serious source of pain and self shaming my entire life.
When I was 19, I came out to my mom and she called me babydike at Christmas table while my grandma in confusion tried to understand the slang, I was busy punching my mom hard in the leg under the table and in that moment a piece of me died. And my mom with all her sincerity was being supportive. She loved me and wanted to show with an adorable joke… That she had my back.. But that’s what bisexuality is to most a joke.. So it leaves you wondering if the struggle is even real at all.
Part of my family is conservative, and I was afraid they would hear bisexual and think slut and I was already the black sheep, so the cousins surely wouldn’t be able to hang out with me anymore. All while the media makes bisexuality into some sexual smorgasbord and I couldn’t even hold a women’s hand. And on the flip side, they (whoever they are) might think I was full blown lesbian and that left the part of me who loves the masculine feeling like I was fraud.
10 years later, it still hasn’t gone away. Turns out bisexuality isn’t a “college phase” like they tell you. And some where i mustered up the courage To go on one date with lesbian … Only to be told that I wasn’t committed enough to being gay to make it past the extremely awkward dinner. Some part of me felt wept, for I still want to destroy this piece of myself because it would be a lot easier to not sit in a world of grey and have places inside I was too afraid to go.
I was in love with my best friend of 12 years, but so terrified of myself I couldn’t even admit until 5 years after she passed away. I am sure the rest of the world could see right through me, but dealing with that level of rejection from the person closes to you, will cause any person to choose suppression over expression. And we were soul sisters, I would have died for her. Killing off this little slice of my soul was no big deal in the scheme of things.
And so while many might read this and think, oh how many options I have available since I swing for both sides and that I am most men’s fantasy.
The reality is, I am just learning how to give myself permission to love a woman as deeply as I know I want to, and have allowed myself to with a man, and not make it wrong that neither feel like they completely fit me, In a world that likes boxes and my identity that screams for some safety… I choose to come alive instead.
So why post publicly? Secrets like these loose their power when there is no one to hide from. And I think we compartmentalize are lives so that is easy to lie to ourselves. And while bisexuality might feel like a nonissue to some, there’s a whole world of human beings out there that make it some sort of sexual unicorn instead of the true capacity of a human being to love fully and without limitation.
Sex is sacred, for me, it’s the most intimate access to my heart and being. And we silly humans are barely learning how to be intimate with each other without causing ourselves pain.
In this way, I am giving up the pain of being a women who doesn’t fit into boxes, whose friendships mean the world and sexuality is at the core of every one of them. I not saying i fantasize about everyone, I am saying I am fully alive and I see intimacy beyond black and white. When we come to life, we realize there are no pretty boxes for intimacy to fit within. Instead it is messy, chaotic and vibrant. It’s why we keep going back. Sex is life… Sex is creativity and life is sex… So to speak. Our sexuality is at the core of who we are and as a culture it’s the most hidden piece of us. Why must we hide ourselves, are we that unlovable?
So I know that openly walking through my life with my sexuality exposed, some would say is dangerous. And in so many ways it is. I leave myself open for others interpretations and projections of who I am. Truth is we are all doing that already, and I am here to be me. The only judgment I can truly have an impact on is my own, and I finally choosing to love me… All of me.
And Thank you for being you, I would never want anything less.
Morgan Carson is a visual artist and the creator of Her Coloring Book. In her life she has been a fashion designer, a traveller, and an artist, and most of all a supporter of radical self-expression by women and embracing femininity. Get your copy of Her Coloring Book and connect with Morgan on Facebook.
Note: This message was originally posted by Morgan on her Facebook page on March 9, 2016.